Drug dealing in parking lots

This weekend, I've felt more alive than I have in months. I can't say why. These things would be a lot easier to understand if I knew exactly what I was feeling, and how to describe it.

Essentially, I had way too much to drink, shit-talked a lot of dumb broads, and got into a lot of fights. ISU is magical in that sense. Knowing I'm NEVER going to see any of those people again gives me an excuse to do a lot of stuff I wouldn't normally do. Like pissing over a balcony hoping to get it on people. And stealing alcohol for everyone. And losing to fat, ugly girls at beer pong. But you can't win em all, I guess.

But there's a trend here. I get drunk a lot. And I never regret it. It's always one of the best times of my life. Which brings me to my next point. Life is what you make of it. People seem to like to whine and bitch about everything like it matters. It doesn't. The only things that matter in this life are your friends, your family and your music. You can interchange that last part with whatever might be important to you. but I digress...

Whether the beer fuels the party or not, the constant is that you can only live as well as you allow yourself. This bullshit introspection is ill founded on some pretenses, but what I'm saying is don't let anything get in the way of living your life to the fullest extent.

I'm a few steps away from making one of the biggest decisions of my life. And I'm scared shitless. I'm a 19 year old kid, and I have to decide now what to do for the rest of my life. It seems ridiculous. Some people are born knowing what they want to do. I was definitely not. I've always wanted to make a living playing punk rock music. But let's face it. I can't sing. I can't play guitar. And I'm not good looking enough for that shit. But I will not work a 9 to 5. I'll find something that I love, and follow that if it kills me. I won't let anything get in the way of living a life I can be proud of. If and when I have kids and grandkids, I want them to remember me for being a good man. A man they can tell stories about to their friends, wives, kids, or whatever, and not say "that guy was a dick. I can't believe I sprang from those loins." I want them to say "fuck yeah. there's a part of him in me."

I've always had a fighter's spirit. Since I was a kid, I was stubborn as shit. Being told I couldn't do something was nothing but a challenge. No one was or is going to tell me what I can or can't do. I'm not going down into adulthood without a glorious battle. A personal 30 Years War. A destruction of all expectations and hold backs.

I hope I can read this 15 years from now, when I'm settled on my little perch of maturity. This pretty time capsule will serve as either a "I told you so" or a "what went wrong?". With my 20th birthday quickly approaching, I'm closer and closer to the end of personal freedom. At least as far as society's reach can tell. I have a feeling I'll never really grow up properly. I'll always laugh a little too loud and talk a little too much. I'll never know when's the wrong time to say the wrong thing. It's hard to say now, but why would I want to change? Why would anyone want to escape this feeling?

All in all, do yourselves all a favor and live a life filled to the brim with love, laughter, happiness and whatever else you've ever wanted. At least then if I fail, someone will still be happy where they're at.

Til next time.

Old Style

There's nights when you don't really know where you're going. You hop around from place to place, scene to scene, and you don't really feel like you fit in anywhere. You're comfortable and you're ok with being there, but something along the lines just feels off. Then you wake up in the morning, forget what you even did, and life goes on.

It all passes pretty quick. There are moments I wish would last a lifetime. Party's in your mom's basement, singing along to Gaslight and the Lawrence Arms after downing half a case of old style by yourself playing some shitty game thought up by guys who wear turtle neck sweaters and popped collars. Essentially, that would lead to a dead-end future. But, in rebuttal, who needs a future when you have friends like that?

School is a joke. Pretty soon here, I'll be done with community college, and move on to "most excellent, radical" party universities. Being older and wiser, I probably won't make any friends, won't get laid and won't even care about how many beers I can drink in an hour. I just want my education and job, and to get a move on. I can't wait for real life to start. When 2 days a week, I can go on benders at local bars or in basements or in parking lots. And get paid money to do something I enjoy. Life would be sweet.

We'll see.

new years

This is apparently the time.

This thing is so pointless. I'm just indulging myself in some strange thought that somebody out there reads this and gives a shit. Which is obviously not the case. Why would anyone care about anyone else's opinions these days? It's a sea of people whom have no idea what they're talking about. I'm not gonna act like I'm different than any other wave.

I guess it is frustrating for me sometimes. I have to say "I told you so" so many times every week that it becomes disheartening. Yet it never appears to anyone that maybe I might be right about anything before it happens. I don't know where I got this tag around my neck that says I'm some kind of idiot, but I don't believe I ever earned it.

I decided this summer, if I don't end up going on tour, I want to do something awesome. Like riding freight trains across the USA. With a guitar, video camera and some clothes. I want some sort of personal discovery. I want an epiphany. I don't really don't want anything at all, to be honest. I just want to get the fuck out of here for a long while.

Art degrees. What a joke.

This seems like the age where people grow up past the point of friends. Have fun while you can, in a year no one will care about you.